After tremendous loss, Kelly Eckley and her husband Jordan Eckley were at a turning point in their infertility story. Although they were weary, they ached for a new, fresh ending. While deep in the process of grieving so many pregnancies and the children that they had already loved so much, someone offered them a newfound hope that was so indescribable. With immense faith, they trusted this new beginning.
Unlike other infertility stories, you were able to get pregnant easily, but the test was for you to stay pregnant.
Exactly. I am an odd case where I can actually get pregnant easily, but I can’t sustain a pregnancy. That was another huge hurdle for us because doctors were not taking us seriously. It was almost as if they were saying, “you can get pregnant so you’re fine.” But that’s not the entire story. It was our second reproductive endocrinologist that ran extensive tests and found a few blood clotting disorders. We finally found some answers – I have antiphospholipid antibody syndrome (APS) which is an autoimmune disorder, factor V Leiden mutation, which is basically a genetic clotting disorder, and found that I have one copy of MTHFR gene, which means my body cannot process folic acid. All of these put me at higher risk for miscarriage. This was a good start but STILL wasn’t the entire problem.
At this point, you SOUND like a doctor!
There were so many doctor appointments leading up to this point and in the infertility world, it’s just common. I met with countless doctors and had to do so much of my own research, too. Advocating for yourself and digging deeper than most doctors are willing, is the real battle. This was a good starting point but was certainly not the whole picture. We had more unsuccessful pregnancies and I was exhausted. We went through several OBs until we found our current OB, who I absolutely adore!
Can you remember when you started considering other options to start your family?
My OB brought up surrogacy and adoption after my 4th loss and as we learned more about what was going on with my body. My husband and I have always wanted to adopt, but we did not want to adopt only because we suffered from infertility. We wanted adoption to be our first choice and not a “solution” to our infertility. We did not feel like it was the right time to pursue adoption.
For my husband, surrogacy was off the table. He did not want to see anyone else carry our child. He thought it was weird and wondered what the bond would look like. Then there was the question of the lifestyle and how this person would treat their body / our baby when they were pregnant, he didn’t know if he could trust someone else to look out for our child’s best interest. He also wondered what it would look like if the surrogate would want to stay in our lives post-pregnancy and how we would navigate something like that. He just kept saying no, absolutely not.
Every infertility story is different, but your story is especially unique. Can you bring us back to the beginning where you found out you may have an infertility journey ahead of you?
Before we got married, I was struggling with many things health wise and found out my hormones were abnormally low, almost at a complete halt. The doctor had told me at the time that I may have difficulties getting pregnant but I kind of wrote it off and just focused on getting my health issues under control. We tried for almost a year, but I was still learning my body and my cycle. Once we were able to really track my cycle, we were able to get pregnant quickly, just before our first anniversary. We found out at 16 weeks that we had lost our baby at 12 weeks. That pregnancy was the furthest along we would ever get. But with ‘only one’ miscarriage, no one was overly concerned and the doctors just kind of wrote it off. After two more miscarriages, we really started digging in and met with our first reproductive endocrinologist. This was in 2019, about a year and a half after we started trying for a family. Experiencing and grieving three miscarriages in 18 months is unimaginable.
The male or partner perspective can be very different.
Did you feel that way in your relationship and decision process?
Indeed, yes. I wanted to respect his feelings, this was happening to him too! After our 5th loss, I just looked at my husband and said, “Can we look at surrogacy now? NOW Can we try this?” I was beyond defeated and didn’t know what else to do.
I had no idea what surrogacy looked like or how we would pull that off though. I did not know anybody at that point who had gone through surrogacy, until I opened up and found out a former college roommate was going through surrogacy right then. She has been a huge pillar of support for me. It’s crazy but all of my college roommates suffer from infertility on some level. It is just that common!
At this point you were on board with surrogacy, but at what point did your husband agree?
We were in the midst of our grief, brokenness, suffering. I knew in my gut we were still missing something. I couldn’t stand to keep doing the same thing and expecting a new result. I started researching again, like a crazy person. I found a reproductive immunologist — one of three in the country! I needed a referral to see her and I couldn’t get any doctor to take me seriously. I don’t know how many times I was brushed off and told it wasn’t necessary. Wasn’t it though? A handful of autoimmune related disorders coupled with recurrent pregnancy loss and I don’t need to see a reproductive immunologist? I wasn’t giving up on this. Hell bent and determined, I finally got someone to send in my referral. Sure enough, my RI found an array of other medical issues that I had.
Subclinical hypothyroidism, thrombophilia, HPA-1b, 1b, high NK cell activity and cytokines. All still played a significant role in not only destroying my egg quality but attacking my pregnancies and causing me to miscarry. We attempted three more pregnancies with this RI and an immune protocol tailored specifically to me. My body was still fighting against the babies because my body isn’t able to distinguish a pregnancy from a virus. I was broken. We had lost 7 babies by now and I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle. The depression and suicidal thoughts were very real for not only myself, but also my husband. I knew God wasn’t finished with this story but I was completely out of ideas. I had nothing left. We had a renewed hope when we went down this path with the reproductive immunologist so I was crushed when I still continued to miscarry. However, my RI actually still played a large role in moving us forward with surrogacy.
In April of 2022, I received a message on social media from someone named Kelly Greer who I had very briefly met a few years back at our church. Her message was simple but faith drove the conversation. At the end of her message she said, “… but if you ever got to a place where you and Jordan would ever consider a surrogate momma, I would love to throw my name in the hat.” I laughed because she said it as if we had a line of people behind us offering to do this for us — TO CARRY OUR BABY FOR US! I looked at my husband as soon as I received her message and said, “Kelly Greer just offered to be our surrogate.” Like I said, I only knew her briefly, but he knew who I was talking about right away. He did not even flinch. He just looked at me and said, “OK.” This was the first time that we would really look into surrogacy and what it would take on both ends to do so.
So for your husband, it came down to time and the person who would carry your child.
Honestly, this was God all the way through. We both had an unexplainable peace, one that we have never felt before. It was an immediate YES for us both. My husband previously stiff armed the idea of surrogacy and when we received the message from Kelly, it’s like he totally surrendered to God and His plan. Kelly actually said that she felt like God was calling her to surrogacy for nearly six years, but wanted to be very intentional about it. She prayed about it for years and when she heard about our story, she knew the Lord was asking her to be the one to carry our child. One of the most amazing things about this story, is the genetic component in our matching. The HPA or Human platelet Antigen component that I carry is one that less than 1% of the world has. My husband has the most common copy, that of almost 70% of the population. This would result in our babies having the copy that the remaining 30% of the population has. This meant that whoever carried for us would need to be the same copy as our babies to avoid undergoing my same treatment during pregnancy.
There it was, only a 30% chance of us finding a match. Kelly knew nothing about this when she reached out and offered surrogacy. She was simply following a calling the Lord had prompted her with. When I explained the complexity of our situation and what needed to take place, Kelly’s response was “well, send me off for the testing and lets see if we can do this.” It was about two weeks later we got the results that she was indeed a perfect genetic match!
It’s been the most incredible journey. Kelly, her husband David and their 5 children have been an unbelievable blessing to us. This experience is so fresh because she is only 6 weeks pregnant with our baby. This is about the time where I start to spiral in my own pregnancies, but all of Kelly’s bloodwork is outstanding. I also feel reassured that she is feeling normal pregnancy symptoms—being tired and nauseous. Of course, I feel terrible for her but we also know that it is a good sign!
What about becoming a mother are you most looking forward to?
Oh, I don’t think I can pinpoint one thing! Starting a family and seeing who this child becomes, of course. But also, we will be raising our children to know the Lord, to love the Lord and to be disciples of the Lord. That is the most important thing to my husband and I. We don’t take for granted the fact that we are able to have our own biological children, something that we were really unsure of for a long time. We’re just really excited to see who this baby is and what the Lord has in store for him or her.
Many of our guests at Brunch for Hope might be going through their infertility battle right now. What would you tell them or how would you encourage them?
Take it one step at a time, because it is possible. It’s likely that your story will not unfold the way you anticipated and that’s really difficult to grieve. But a delay is not a denial — keep going! I have a friend who is going through adoption right now, which is a lot of hurry up and wait. The same thing is true for infertility. It is such a long road and it’s so expensive. The financial responsibility is an unbelievable burden and its easy to feel overwhelmed by that. Take it one step at a time. When I looked at the entire process and the cost of infertility treatments and surrogacy, I thought there was no way we could pull this off. It felt like it was too large of a mountain for us to climb. We had to break it up into pieces to lessen my anxiety and believe that the Lord would provide. When you’re going through infertility, you are always thinking about numbers.
1 in 4 suffer from miscarriages, 1 in 8 suffer from infertility. For me and my medical conditions, it continually boiled down to this group of less than 1%. At some point, the disappointing numbers were so normal that I began to find peace as that “low-odd statistic.” It was as if that was part of my story all along and what a beautiful testimony of God it’s been. Statistics never stood a chance with him at the center of this story. It’s been His all along and I’m just so grateful to be sharing it in the capacity that I am today.
Thank you to Kelly and Jordan Eckley as well as Kelly Greer, for your vulnerability in sharing the raw and beautiful parts of your story. We celebrate your families during March – Surrogacy Awareness Month and year-round, as you all are an inspiration for others.
To learn more about The Stork Foundation for Infertility and hear more inspiring stories like the Eckley’s, JOIN US at the Brunch for Hope on April 23, 2023 in Chicago, IL. Purchase your tickets here.
