Jackie Fernando, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, has always regarded mental and emotional health just as important as physical health. When she experienced infertility herself, she saw these three areas collide. To support the community she belongs to, Jackie became an advocate and therapeutic specialist to those who were processing the complexities of their infertility diagnosis.
What sparked your interest in working specifically with clients experiencing infertility?
I’m deeply committed to serving the Infertility community after experiencing the frustration and emotional toll of infertility myself. When I was in the midst of treatment, I realized how few therapists were specifically trained in fertility counseling. Also, I needed someone across from me who could truly say, “I understand what you’re going through”. Being able to feel that you can identify with your therapist creates a stronger connection, thus a greater sense of relief. Infertility treatment is stressful on your emotional wellbeing. There are losses of hopes, dreams, and strain on relationships. I want to be that person to help those who are working through their family building story. Infertility changes you, and I’m fiercely motivated to support and advocate for those going through this life altering situation.
You mentioned the loss of hopes and dreams. Can you talk a little bit more about what that loss means?
Our culture focuses so much on parenting and children. We’re taught that’s having kids is the “normal and natural” progression in life. These are goals, hopes, and dreams. These ideas of becoming a mom or a parent has been engrained in us since childhood. These dreams that many people have, women especially, have been in their hearts for decades. For someone to suggest that it’s not a loss, is completely dismissive.
What are the most common reasons that someone would initially seek out your counseling services?
When the stress becomes too much. Sometimes this is right after a miscarriage, or a transfer not working out. Sometimes it’s the relationship in the home that becomes too overwhelming that an outside perspective is helpful. In regards to miscarriage and reproductive loss, the experience is different. This is someone who’s worked so hard, put in so much time, money, and effort into creating something that is deeply wanted, and the pregnancy isn’t viable. It is devastating. Also, reproductive loss is the loss for the hoped-for life and child. There are no tangible memories and experiences that you have compared with other type of losses.
What makes meeting with an infertility specialist different than meeting with any type of counselor?
The difference is foundational knowledge in the infertility diagnosis, awareness of triggers, and level of empathy. A fertility counselor speaks the infertility language and understands that world. Further, something as simple as word choices can be hurtful. There’s a level of sensitivity that is important working with the fertility community.
What other type of mental health issues arise within the infertility community?
Anxiety and it’s cousin, depression. Infertility is commonly referred to a rollercoaster. Your emotions are up and down. You can be so hopeful at the beginning of a cycle and it can come crashing down quickly when things don’t work out. The stress of treatment is compounded by the actual medication that you’re taking. These shifts in hormone levels are known to cause mood changes. These mood changes are not fun. I’m sure many of the patients can attest to this. Also, the financial burden of infertility treatment are stressful for the couple. IVF is expensive and often aren’t covered by insurance. It can be a really messy journey and I try to help my client’s sort this out.
Tell us more about the financial impact of a client’s emotional health.
Finances play an important part in the infertility journey. It’s an unfair reality that money is a factor in whether someone can fulfil their dream of becoming a parent. Infertility is a disease, but it is treated differently as if it’s a choice, an elective treatment in our country. Spending money and borrowing money to pay for something that can provide no guarantee of a successful outcome is anxiety provoking, demoralizing, and can leave you feeling hopeless.
How can we support our friends and family experiencing infertility better?
By telling them that you are there for them and truly listening. Please stop asking others “when are you going to settle down and start a family?” Can we all agree that asking a couple about their family building plans is none of our business. Offering unsolicited advice is unproductive. Suggesting someone to ‘just relax’ places blame on that person as if they are at fault for their infertility. Just say, “I love you. I am here to listen whenever you are having a hard time.”
Why do you think financial assistance would make a difference in someone’s infertility journey?
It makes a world of difference! There is a weight lifted off their shoulders and helps with the financial toll of treatment. Sometimes couples are forced to delay treatment because they simply can’t pay the bill. And as any infertility patient understands in this process, time is of the essence. With every year that goes by, egg quality changes and can negatively affect the likelihood of success. So, if we provide some help in order to keep these couples moving forward on their family building journey, it would be tremendous.
Thank you to Jackie — and all mental health professionals, who recognize the complexities of infertility and the importance of caring for the whole patient! We hope this piece will inspire anyone experiencing infertility to seek out the support and help that they may need.
