Friends from college walk with us through our awkward late teenage years and bring us right into the “real world.” While trials and triumphs brought college friends Dana and Stefanie memories to last a lifetime, nothing compares to the journey they took together when Dana was diagnosed with infertility. Stefanie responded to the heartbreak of her friend by sacrificially offering to carry Dana and her husband’s child via gestational surrogacy, undergoing in vitro fertilization (IVF) to become pregnant on behalf of Dana.
We had the honor of sitting down with Dana and Stefanie. What follows is an inspiring story of infertility and a truly unbreakable bond of friendship as two best friends navigate this untraditional path to family. Below is an edited excerpt from our conversation.
Dana, take us back to the beginning of your infertility struggle and the steps that ultimately led to you needing a surrogate.
Dana: I was 28 when my husband Terry and I first decided to start trying to build a family. We were both healthy so we assumed getting pregnant would be easy. After about a year of trying with no luck, it was recommended that we see an infertility specialist who did some initial tests on us both. The results came back normal and did not give a reason for our lack of success. This was frustrating and I know many women are given a similar term of ‘unexplained infertility,’ a vague diagnosis that offers nothing but more uncertainty. The next couple years, Terry and I saw more specialists who conducted additional tests, procedures, and surgeries, all while continuing to try to conceive and maintain hope.
I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis along with a secondary diagnosis of an auto-immune disorder that results in natural killer cells rejecting a successful pregnancy. It was at this point that I had lost all faith that I could carry a child. It is really difficult to put in to words this sort of grief, the fear that the way your life was envisioned, a big part of it being that motherhood piece, may be impossible.
Stefanie, tell us about your friendship with Dana and how you became involved in this journey? Was there a moment, exchange, or conversation with Dana that was most meaningful to you that triggered or pushed you to the decision to offer to carry her baby?
Stefanie: I met Dana in college while living in the same residence hall and we have been very close friends ever since. Dana was there for me while I had my three children and throughout this same time, I saw her and Terry struggling to conceive their first and it just did not seem fair. As a younger girl, I had also witnessed both my mom and step-mom struggle with infertility. I am an only child due to my mother’s infertility issues, so I was more aware than most about the heartache Dana was experiencing and how different her life could be because of this medical diagnosis.
Dana was as close as a sister to me and confided in me throughout her battle with infertility. I always had an overwhelming and eager feeling of wanting to ‘fix’ this heartache for her. I had another friend who went through her own infertility journey, finally becoming a mom through the rigorous and costly IVF process, but I knew that due to Dana’s diagnosis she would never have the opportunity to carry her own baby.
At one point, kind of brainstorming, I said to Dana, “Just let me carry your baby!” But in the back of my mind, I knew I could, and would, do it for her. After talking to my husband Ryan, I let Dana know that my offer was serious. I had made up my mind and the decision for me was, almost like a mother’s instinct.
Dana: I have never been one to ask for help and I would have never asked for this enormous sacrifice. We were about three and a half years into our journey and all the tests, waiting, and severe diagnoses had left us feeling discouraged and hopeless. When Stefanie offered, it felt, for the first time, as if becoming a mother was actually a possibility. Stefanie’s selfless offer gave me newfound hope.
But getting Stefanie pregnant via surrogacy is a long, intricate medical process as well. Do you remember what it was like to wait and then find out she was pregnant?
Dana: I had to go through a couple months of hormone medication including IVF stimulation shots to prepare for an egg retrieval surgery. The stimulation and retrieval were not as successful as the doctor had hoped. Five eggs were retrieved and only three were able to be fertilized. At 24 hours post fertilization, only one embryo was surviving. However, our luck finally turned on transfer date (day 5). Our fertility doctor came in grinning from ear to ear saying our one remaining embryo was the “embryo of the day”. It is now a running joke in our home. Every time our daughter does something that amazes us we say “egg of the day.”
Meanwhile, Stefanie was going through an equally rigorous medical protocol including taking hormones and intra-muscular progesterone oil shots to prepare her body to accept an embryo transfer. Stefanie then had to continue shots every morning until her ninth week of pregnancy.
To this day, I remember the stoplight I was sitting at when I received the news that the embryo had implanted successfully! It had been such an emotional roller coaster and with this news, I felt a new emotion in this journey — this time relief.
I was able to go to all of Stefanie’s doctor appointments and ultrasounds to witness the miracle of our baby growing. At thirteen weeks, the nurse gave Stefanie an envelope with the baby’s gender written on it. She came to our house that night to do a special gender reveal with just me and Terry.
But getting Stefanie pregnant via surrogacy is a long, intricate medical process as well. Do you remember what it was like to wait and then find out she was pregnant?
Stefanie: In the beginning it was all the crazy logistics of the IVF process — medications, timed shots, doctor’s appointments & ultrasounds. My children were 5, 4, and 2 at the time so we had a lot of family support — from Dana’s parents and mine — that enabled our family to juggle the new logistics into our schedule.
There isn’t a surrogacy office in St. Louis so with limited resources at hand, Dana and I really had to fend for ourselves in searching for information to guide us through this journey. We were very lucky that we had each other to tackle this ‘information gap’ together. From an emotional side, I often had feelings that I really wasn’t fixing the problem for my friend. Even though I was carrying her child — their embryo, I wasn’t able to ‘fix’ the fact that Dana was not going to get to experience carrying her baby. That was heartbreaking for me, and in some ways it was hard for me to be pregnant again, knowing that Dana couldn’t be.
Dana: I had to give up all control! I remember going to Stefanie’s house with my carefully selected groceries one night and she looked at me and said, “If you’re going to tell me what type of milk to drink, this is not going to work!” I probably drove her crazy! I brought her pineapple the day of the transfer and walnuts to ensure she was getting enough omegas!
Even though I obviously trusted Stefanie completely, I had to learn to deal with the lack of ANY sort of control over the pregnancy. Surrogacy is a partnership and I could not be with Stefanie 24/7 and in charge the whole way through. Thankfully Stefanie and I had years of a strong friendship and level of trust built; I knew she was truly invested in bringing my baby into the world. We also communicated regularly, just as we always have, so I could stay up to date on the baby’s growth and how Stefanie was feeling.
How did others react to your decision to you becoming/using a surrogate? How was your own family involved and how did they support you?
Dana: As suspected, throughout conversations with friends and family, we had to clarify many times that we were becoming parents through gestational surrogacy — we were still the biological parents and Stefanie was carrying our child. However, our friends and family were extremely supportive and excited.
Stefanie: My parents were not thrilled at first because I had a tough delivery with my youngest. They felt I had a family of four who needed me here, and there are always risks to any pregnancy. They were excited for Dana and Terry but were rightly concerned about my health at the same time. I heard a lot from other people, “I could never give up my baby!” but to me it was NEVER my baby; it was my friends baby. I was just doing my part to help someone else have a family. My husband was extremely supportive throughout the entire process and proud of the joy we were able to bring to our friends through surrogacy. My children were all really excited too. I always say that while it is the woman who is pregnant, the journey of surrogacy takes the whole family’s support.
What do you remember about that day that you became a Mom?
Dana: I picked Stefanie up early in the morning for a scheduled induction. I will always remember the staff at Memorial Belleville who went above and beyond in treating me equally to Stefanie. During the delivery, Terry and I were both able to be by her side to witness the birth of our daughter. The most memorable part of her birth day was when they laid her on my chest for the first time, skin-to-skin. The connection was immediate even though I had not carried her. This day concluded our 4-year struggle with infertility — including hundreds of doctors’ visits, tests, and worry and fear that I would never experience motherhood.
What was your favorite part of being a gestational surrogate?
Stefanie: Without question it was knowing the immense joy I was able to bring other people — not just Dana, but her entire family. I was making someone a grandparent, an aunt. I was part of helping create a deep family connection on top of making someone else’s dream of becoming a mom come true. Not everyone has the opportunity to do that and the fact that I could be a part of something so beautiful and life-changing is amazing!
What have you learned from this experience that you might share with others who are facing infertility or know someone who is?
Dana: We just celebrated Mothers’ Day and that day is still so impactful and bittersweet for me. I guess it will always remind me of my own infertility journey and make me think of other’s who are struggling. Walking through infertility myself and then having my daughter through surrogacy was life-changing and left me with an incredible amount of compassion for all mothers.
Stefanie: Having several women close to me face infertility has made me more aware and thoughtful about my wording when speaking with others about building their families. Common questions like, “when do you think you will want kids?” seem harmless but can be very hurtful if we don’t know an individual’s personal circumstances. Because of this journey and experience, my kids are probably more educated on infertility and surrogacy than most and know not to ask questions like this either.
When people learn that I was a surrogate, a surprising number say they also struggled with infertility or know someone who did. This makes me wonder how many people could benefit from using a surrogate. Unfortunately, no one really talks about it as an option.
Dana: I hope our story can serve as inspiration for those couples who are currently struggling with infertility, hitting all the roadblocks, losing hope and draining their emotions. I want them to know that it CAN work. There isn’t one right or wrong way to build a family, and there are many options available.
We’re thankful to both of these families for allowing us to share their beautiful surrogacy story and hope that our audience can draw inspiration from it.
