Teresa Reiniger had dreamed of becoming a grandmother, but before this dream came to fruition, she walked alongside infertility as a Mother. Teresa’s path to become a grandmother was not straightforward but rather one that endured both highs and lows. This experience remained close to her—so much so, Teresa decided to help others through a profession in grief coaching, specializing in infertility and infant/pregnancy loss. Teresa shared her emotional story about how she experienced the heartbreak of infertility, through her daughters.
Can you tell me a little bit about how you became familiar and passionate about supporting those with infertility and pregnancy/infant loss?
Years ago, I had two miscarriages and my youngest brother was born still, so this was something heavy that I carried from long ago. Then when my three daughters decided to start their own families that did not happen easily. My oldest and middle daughter struggled with infertility and then recurring miscarriages. They both went through fertility treatments; my oldest daughter eventually had a surrogate care their child and the middle daughter became pregnant after using infertility drugs. My youngest daughter is a lesbian and her wife had female health issues, so my daughter carried their child. So, after all of that happened with my own journey to become a Grandmother, I decided that I wanted to write a book to share stories and to help others struggling. The title was going to be, “How I became a Grandma: The Non-Traditional Way”. I wanted to help a young woman, like my daughters so that they could connect with others who were also experiencing infertility and pregnancy/infant loss. So that book titled did not feel right. Someone suggested that I start a podcast and so I learned how to do that, and I launched the podcast Labor Pains, dealing with infertility and loss in June of 2020. I have released over 80 episodes so far.
As a mother, how did you experience infertility alongside your daughters?
It was very difficult. I was privately grieving, too. Any challenge your child is enduring and going through can be hard for any parent, it doesn’t matter what it is. But when your child goes through infertility and loss, especially a loss after struggling for so long to conceive, it really hit me close. The only thing you can do really is to support them while they grieve, while also grieving the loss of a grandchild at the same time. You feel very helpless. We always want to do everything we can for our children but with infertility, there is nothing you can do except, listen, and try to be supportive as possible. I’m sure I said the wrong things at times, and I know that now but didn’t then.
Tell me more about the grief that you processed.
Well, I was grieving the loss of a grandchild and possibly the dream of becoming a grandparent. It’s difficult because you do not want to allow that to overshadow your child’s loss, either. It can be lonely in that way. I can remember vividly after my daughter’s second miscarriage feeling like nothing made sense. I come from a very large family, and it just didn’t make sense to me. Her doctor wanted to wait for her to have a third miscarriage before she could be referred to a specialist. It seemed so ridiculous to me that she had to wait even longer and endure more pain and grief before she could find answers. You just want to take control over the situation and in reality, there is little control in an infertility journey. She ultimately went on to be matched with a surrogate which was such a delicate process, and the surrogate did experience one of the embryos not sticking that was transferred.
While your daughter ultimately found success via surrogacy, did you experience grief with the loss of the pregnancy experience for her?
Yes, pregnancy for my daughter did not happen the way that I had pictured it would. As time has passed, it is something that she has accepted as part of their story, but I could tell from conversations that she was still grieving for a long time that she would never experience pregnancy or the feeling of carrying a child. Pregnancy was an experience that she always dreamed of and no matter what she did, she could not achieve this dream. Women struggle with the thoughts that their body has failed them, like this is what females should be able to do – why is it not working? Why will she not ever be able to experience this the way others have?
Was there ever a time that you thought that you may never become a Grandparent?
Definitely. My youngest daughter being a lesbian, I just assumed that my older two would be parents. But when they were experiencing infertility and recurring loss while my other daughter had not yet had plans to start a family, I really thought that becoming a grandparent might not happen for me. When my youngest daughter told me she wanted to have two children, I remember thinking ok how that might work!
What do you say to a ‘Grandparent in waiting’ to support them in their grief?
Don’t ever give up hope. There are a lot of options and opportunities to become a grandparent. Even on the hardest days, do not give up on the hope of a happy ending to an infertility story. Also, your grief is real and very different then your child’s grief. Feeling lonely or processing in private is completely normal. If your child is going through treatments, you want to express support as much as you can. Be careful with what you say and honor the treatment they have chosen to do. It can be hard to stay patient, but it makes a big difference.
Please visit www.livingaftergrief.com for more information on Teresa Reiniger and grief coaching. You can listen to her podcast “Labor Pains: Dealing with Infertility” on Apple Podcasts.
